How do you become confident if you are a very shy person?

How do you become confident if you are a very shy person?

All the other answers here will tell you things like dress well, take risks, face things head on, whatever.

I’m here to tell you — no.

And that’s not to say they’re wrong or never work. But people that are very shy?

I was one. And if I could do things like take risks and reach out to people, I would do that instead of asking questions on Quora.

You see, shyness, stemming from low self esteem, has the unfortunate effect of a feedback loop. And I was plagued by this for years.

You decide: Okay! No more being shy, I’m going to power through the feeling and talk to people.

So you do, you say hi and they reciprocate. It’s going fine, but just initiating conversation isn’t enough to build a relationship. You have to talk.

So you launch into small talk. Where do you work? What did you major in? You’re nervous, almost too nervous to think, but trying. They answer and return the question. You answer back. You’re still jittery though, and running out of questions.

Eventually, it dissolves into silence and then excuses so the other person can leave. You feel defeated. They probably thought you were weird, or at least awkward. That didn’t go well. You start to associate meeting people with negative feelings, and the feedback loop intensifies; the next time you’re meant to meet someone new, your brain starts anticipating negative feelings. And emotional pain is still pain.

At it’s core, there isn’t such a huge difference between being nervous about going to the dentist and going to a social event. Some people even prefer the dentist.

So how do you get out of this feedback loop, you ask?

Removing low self esteem.

Yes, duh, but that’s not very helpful. If I could magic it away, I would, you say.

True, but there’s more.

The mistake lies in basing your self esteem on external factors.

Almost everyone does this, it’s perfectly normal. We look at our appearance, our wealth, our friends, our intelligence, and we use that (even subconsciously) to decide how we feel about ourselves.

Now you can’t magic this away either. But if you’re anything like me, you grow sick of it, sick of the nagging feeling that you’re just not that good, not that special, and your worth is not that high.

Well, that’s where confidence comes in. There are actually many ways to call it —self worth, self assurance, self love. The point is, you have to realize that you’re the only one that can provide yourself with unconditional and undiluted confidence. Nobody else can do that. I promise.

Try it now. Suspend your disbelief (I promise you’ll be concinced by the end anyway). Think of the part of your brain where your ego is, the part that’s activated when you feel a certain way about yourself. Now imagine loading it up with self love and self worth, like a huge internal hug. If it doesn’t work straight away, try again. Some may feel a strong sense of it, others just a droplet. But no matter what, it’s there, and now you have to cultivate it.

First. No matter what happens externally, promise yourself you will have this when you want or need it. No exceptions, no only-if-I-do-this’s. No. Matter. What. (You won’t stop improving and yes, you do deserve it).

Second. Practice. Even a droplet can turn into the ocean if you think hard enough. That’s not the saying? No matter. Anyway, just practice. The effect is twofold: 1) so you strengthen those neural pathways and the feeling is easier to come by later, and 2) you learn to trust that it really have it no matter what. Failed a job interview? You still have it. Embarassed? You still have it. Feel nervous in a social situation? You still have it. You may need to work harder for it, but you do.

Now. Will this mean you stop improving? No. And unless you take it to the extreme by some inhuman feat, you will still, to an extent, care about what people think. Compliments will make you happy and insults won’t. But this is about establishing a baseline of confidence and thus, happiness. Or at the very least, contentment. Instead of feeling like your mood is at the whim of other people and circumstances, you will feel like you are. It will give you a sense of control over yourself, because that’s essentially what you’re doing: reclaiming your emotions.

I invite you to try it, and let me know how it goes. Feel free to ask anything. I’m still in the process of cultivating it, but the effects are definitely noticeable.